


Meaningless

by Angevon



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Masturbation, that's all it is, this is not a shipfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-12
Updated: 2016-02-12
Packaged: 2018-05-19 20:18:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5979799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angevon/pseuds/Angevon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izaya reflects on everything and nothing when he relaxes in his office one night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Meaningless

**Author's Note:**

> Contains spoilers.
> 
> So there's a part near the end of episode 17 of season 1 of the anime dub where Izaya leans back on the couch while letting out this gasp. 
> 
> Somehow that led me to wonder what he thinks about when he masturbates.
> 
> And then apparently I had to write it. 
> 
> ??? I don't know either. Johnny Yong Bosch just does things to people, doesn't he?
> 
> Anyway, I was basically just trying to make sense of Durarara's plot while writing this, so it's probably boring. It takes place right after episode 17 (when the Saika arc ends). Also I headcanon Izaya as aro/ace, so yeah. I haven't seen anything of x2's Third Cour yet, so probably a lot of this is wrong. I wrote this months ago and have been sitting on it for a while and kinda lost interest in DRRR, so I decided I might as well get it out there in case it interests someone.

Izaya pulled down the laptop's lid until it was just a fraction of an inch from being completely closed. Its soft light needed to continue illuminating the office; it was the only source at the moment since he'd closed the blinds some time ago. He didn't expect any visitors, not tonight, and Namie had long since left the office. It was time for him to call it a night himself and relax.

He smiled while he stretched in his desk chair, though there was no one to see it on his face. Yeah, relaxing sounded like a good idea. He needed to wind down after such an exciting evening.

He got up from the chair and then plopped himself down on the couch in the office, jostling the head in a jar that was hidden among its cushions. He leaned back against the couch until he was staring up at the ceiling. There was nothing to be seen up there; the laptop's glow didn't reach that far.

With a soft sigh, he undid his belt and lazily tugged his pants down. Working almost mechanically, he touched his flaccid dick, encouraging it to grow by pressing here and tugging there...

Sometimes he wondered why he bothered with this, as he had no personal interest in love or sex, but he couldn't deny that it felt good and helped to lull his mind into much-needed rest. Ikebukuro didn't sleep; there was always something else he could be doing, especially in his line of business, and he often had trouble coaxing himself into breaking away from it all to get some sleep.

He was fully hard now. It was because he was thinking about work. It was what he lived for, after all, to see what kindling his 'sparks' had set aflame. Not all of them would catch, of course, but today, well, today had been especially successful.

He began to stroke himself idly as he considered it. The Slasher's identity had been revealed, and it hadn't been who he'd expected at all. Usually these unforeseen events would annoy him, but in this case he'd been entertained. Besides, it wouldn't be difficult to turn it into his advantage. In fact, it might might make things even more interesting! Anri Sonohara was positioned right at the center of things, after all. She was friends with _those two..._

Izaya chuckled as he moved into a familiar rhythm. Yes, it might be a good thing indeed that Saika's legion was controlled by her. Of course, she was in the hospital right now, but she and her children would be back on the playing field soon enough, wreaking whatever havoc they would on Ikebukuro. 

That is, if Saika's children were even that useful, Izaya thought darkly. Hundreds of them had taken on Shizu-chan at the park, and not one of them had managed to disable that bastard in any way. If they couldn't kill him, they should've at least knocked a tooth out of him. Or gouged out an eye, severed an ear, a finger, a hand... At least cut off his left testicle.

Izaya hissed, breathing in sharply. He scowled down at the cock in his hand. He was gripping himself too tightly in his anger. It was time to think about something else or he'd never get off.

He sighed in frustration and rolled his shoulders, switching hands to loosen his grip. This was his off hand, though, and he didn't like using it for this. Maybe at this point he should just give up for the night... but he was still hard, and it'd take some time for it to go soft enough for him to comfortably zip his pants back up, so he settled back into a more pleasing rhythm.

He scanned the room for something else to occupy his thoughts and his gaze landed on the head in a jar peeking out through the couch cushions right next to him. 

Ah, Celty. Izaya knew that she and Shinra had finally become an item. Now there was a relationship doomed to failure, and it wasn't even because she was a dullahan. 

Izaya shook his head, the grin reforming on his face. Yeah, just wait until Celty found out everything that her sweetheart was hiding from her. Shinra acted innocent enough, but he knew more about her past than he'd ever let on.

Though she'd probably end up forgiving him, Izaya realized with a tired sigh. She seemed to be like that, like a loyal dog. Actually, she had the excitability of a puppy. He recalled how easily he'd been able to get her to rush out to the park just from a simple message he'd left in that chat room. So easily manipulated, she was almost human.

Izaya allowed himself a moment to enjoy the rhythm: three short strokes, then two long, and then repeat... His fingers had become rather wet. It wasn't because he was thinking of Celty, despite the skintight suit she wore. No, the excitement came from the unpredictable element she and her severed head added to his game.

Speaking of the head, he'd have to move it into a secure location soon. Mika was starting to become bolder in her attempts to steal it. Though he admired her tenacity, he couldn't have her destroying his prized possession. He'd have to hide it from Namie, too, come to think of it...

He yawned, growing bored with that topic. He needed to think of something more exciting. His eyes alighted on his hybrid board game, and that made him a little more breathless. After today, the next move should be ready. He expected a call from Kida any day now... and that would be the trigger.

He grunted, hunching his shoulders together and leaning forward. He was starting to feel the pressure building up in his gut. 

Kida already hated him for not helping when Saki had been kidnapped by the Blue Squares all that time ago, and maybe for being the man first and foremost in her thoughts. Kida would never know what Izaya had done for her. Unless she told him, but that was highly doubtful. 

Despite all that, Izaya was sure that Kida would come to him for advice. The kid was in way over his head. He couldn't control the Yellow Scarves any more than the cops could capture the Black Rider. The growing tension between his gang and the Dollars would leave him with no choice but to utilize the broker's network.

Izaya stroked himself faster now, abandoning his set rhythm as he grew closer to release. His mouth, still fixed in a warped grin, parted as he began to pant. 

He wanted to record the moment when he told Kida who the leader of the Dollars was. The look on his face... it would start with pure outrage—he'd be sure that Izaya was just stringing him along (which was true, but in a different way)—but then it would morph into so many other beautiful emotions. The outrage, followed by vehement denial, then he'd mull it over, ending with sullen acceptance.

What would Kida do with the information...? Nothing, probably. Izaya licked his lips. Yeah, he'd keep it to himself. Kida had a reputation for inaction, after all. Now Izaya shook his head. What Kida would fail to consider is that if Izaya would sell that information to him, he'd sell it to others too. It was worth top _dollar,_ after all! 

Izaya let out a shuddering gasp at his own joke and continued to furiously stroke himself, getting closer every second.

And Ryugamine, for his part, wouldn't know what to do. The kid was only just starting to understand that the fundamental problem with the Dollars was that anyone could be a member. Hell, even Izaya had joined out of curiosity (before working out how he could use it to his advantage). There were spies on both sides, probably even double agents by now. It was quite ridiculous.

But despite his naivety, Ryugamine was clever, considering how he'd handled the situation with Namie and her brother six months ago, and that's what made him such an interesting player in this little game.

When the conflict reached its crescendo, what was going to happen? 

Some spit escaped Izaya's mouth, but he didn't bother wiping it away. What would happen to these two kids? These best friends. Would they turn on each other, friendship be damned, or band together against the greater threat? No matter what happened, their trust in each other would be forever shattered, and Izaya simply couldn't wait.

He needed it, this gang war. He'd been working hard for it, over half a year... He needed to know how they'd react, he so desperately had to see it on their faces. Their shock, their fear, their anguish... their fury and hatred. Ah, just imagining it wasn't enough, he had to see it, to witness it all for himself.

How would it turn out? How would these kids take it? Hell, would they even survive the fallout?

Izaya gasped, his shoulders rolling with a shudder.

He just _loved_ humans...!

With that thought in his mind, Izaya bit his lip and palmed the head of his cock, curling his fingers around the head, and then he came. 

As the high faded, he let out a bored sigh. He stared down at the contents of his palm, vaguely annoyed. It never seemed worth the trouble.

He shook his head, then wiped his dirty hand on one of the throw pillows that 'hid' the jar containing the severed head. Then he flipped the pillow around to hide the stain. It wasn't like the head would wake up and be offended by his treatment of it. If it did, so much the better.

It didn't. With a shrug, Izaya put himself away, then laid down on the couch as the lethargy began to hit him. He might as well sleep here for the night. 

With any luck, tomorrow would be another exciting day.


End file.
